Somewhere out there . . . .

I admit it, I am a sucker for Christmas.  Every year I hear The Christmas Shoe I find myself crying alone in my car in the parking lot at my office.  Television commercials are enough to drive me over the edge.  I find myself chopping onions to excuse the tears brought on by Folder's Commercials.  I am not safe from from my own Christmas induced emotional idiocy anywhere.

 I have, on numerous occasions, tried to explain "happy tears" to E.  She has, on numerous occasions, advised me that a) I am confused and b) i should try laughing.  Good advice little grasshopper, good advice.

As usual, my little one is wise beyond her years.  This Christmas I didn't look for joy until our family was back together again.  I found it, right there in Santa's workshop and in the wonder I saw in my little girls eyes and the hope I saw in by husband's smile.  You see, this Christmas is bitter sweet.  It marks the first time we have been together as a family for a long long time.  However, I am reminded that next Christmas, we will be thousands of miles apart, wishing on the same christmas star.  Again, my little grasshopper reminds me of the things that I already know to be true.  "No matter when Daddy is, he is always in our heart and we are always in his."    Our house will always be full of love and joy because of the voices inside it and the constant presence in our heart of the voices that desperately want to be there."  No one is ever truly gone from as long as we love them and keep them there in our minds and in our hearts.

back in the saddle again

First, an update.  The deployment plans have changed.  Take my advice, focus on the silver lining.

Worry not, this is what we have prepared for - what we all have prepared for.  Step one, basic training.  Davin was gone from January to March and I talked to him five times for less than five minutes each time.  I read the letters that were sent to me for sentiment alone, the details were not important - I found myself scanning the letters for "I love you", "I am okay", "I miss you."  It was only after he was home I was able to stomach the detail of what he went through.  This prepared me for the times where I may not know where he is our what he is doing.  It helped me to build trust in the army, in our relationship, and in myself.

WE.  That is the most important part.  A few years ago, we made a decision together, as a family, to join the army.  I was incredibly resistant at first.  I distinctly remember saying, "but you have a family."  Davin replied, "so do most soldiers.  i want to do it for you and for emma.  i want to fight to protect and defend you and every other family.  i need to do this."  I have to admit, from the time I've known him, he has wanted to be in the military.  I always assumed that it was a desire to actually become maverick - now I realize it is about something bigger.

Don't get me wrong, I frequently don't understand the army or how it works.  I get very frustrated at some of the oddities of it all.  But, very subtly, in the best way they can, I have been prepared for what lies ahead.  I know not every soldier or soldier's family has, but hopefully we will move towards it.  In the same way, hopefully we will be supported when he is home safe to us.

The official bedtime countdown . . .

Whether your spouse is gone for months, weeks, or just a few days - when you have little ones at home, it is difficult to say the least.  I've learned over time to have a routine, and I've more recently learned to stick to it.

Art Project Mondays - we make at least one art project, usually to send Daddy.  Sometimes we have a plan, sometimes we jackson pollick it.  I remind them constantly that when they become famous artists they better tell Oprah who made them.

Tuesdays - We make "the jumping thing".  Let me break it down, we take every pillow, blanket, cushion, or other soft thing in the house and pile it in front of the couch - put on a little music and they go insane.  I have to admit, they prefer lady gaga to jump to.  I have many a video of E shaking her bootie  singing La La Lilly Ba Shake that Lilly Ba.

Wednesday - Grocery Shopping.  The girls get to pick and "make" dinner with me.  They have started greeting me at the door at Trader Joe's with suckers to avoid the noise - seriously - no joke.

Thursday - Both girls sleep in bed with me.  It seems like an awful idea, and took quite a bit of training to get them to A) Stay in Bed B) Sleep

Angelina's Friday -  if we don't have visitors, we order take out from Angelina's Kitchen!  So amazingly delicious.  E figures out if someone is visiting that weekend by asking what is for dinner.  Angelina's means it is a girls weekend, "actual" "home cooked food" means company!  Note the quotes around home cooked food and actual.

Saturday - We start the day with a long bath.  I have them nearly convinced it is swimming in a little pool - O buys it, I'm pretty sure E just humors me.  We end the day with a campout on the living room floor.  We go to bed "late" and fall asleep watching movies.  This has taken some perfecting to keep them both in the room with me - I usually have to hold O down.  There is also a complicated system of barricades.

Sunday - church and the library.  We usually have to get ice cream too - there is an ice cream parlor right outside the library - genius marketing - the library costs me a superman ice cream cone and a dish of lady bug a week.

This routine helps them know what is coming and helps me very silently track the passing of time.    For longer times I plan rewards for all of us.  At one month we bake a cake and I get a pair of shoes.  At two months we go someplace very special and I get a pedicure etc.  We celebrate two things, making it through and being one week, month, months closer to Daddy..

In the past few weeks we have been so busy we've lost our routine.  E took an opportunity to remind me last week that "we used to have a pattern, kind of like polka dots, but not really."  We are now on an E declared "home-cation" where we are back to our routine until the further notice.

So now we count the minutes, the hours, the days, until we are, in the words of E, "A family all together and not so far apart. . . "

Top 10 . . .

Top Ten Quotes of the Last few weeks from the pookies . . .

10.  O:  "Daddy, Home.  Daddy, Home.  Daddy, Home."

 9.   O:  "Uh oh, hot poop."
 8.   E:   "Mommy, when you don't get it right the first time, you can't just quit." (I was driving)

 7.   E:   "We're at Walmart, where are the fudgeballs?" (I got lost - see above quote and nearly dropped the F-bomb.  I covered it up with fudgeballs.  She is ALWAYS listening."

 6.   PaPa: "O, who is your boyfriend?"  O: "pat-rick"

 5.   E:   "Mommy, are these frickin noodles?"  (two months ago I told her to eat her fricken noodles)
 4.   E:   "Mommy I'll give you two choices, you can give me gummies or candy."  (I usually give her two choices - one good and one awful to persuade her into making the choice I want her to.)

 3.   E:  "Mommy, the doughnuts are right over there.  Jadyn likes doughnuts.  If she wanted to eat those doughnuts at Mema's house, I would eat them to because I am her friend."

 2.  E:   "Mommy, thats the last zuzu pet baby.  It is all alone without a Mommy.  We have to take it home to Daisy - she can be her Mommy."

 1.  E:   "Ever since you had THAT baby, I only get one arm."

Still alive . . .

Between D being home and adjusting to D not being home, I haven't had the time or to be quite honest the energy to keep up!  I received my usual, "are you alive" calls this week and realized it was time to come out of my self inflicted emotional hibernation.   I tend to disappear into a world of comfort . . . of bagels, diet coke, gilmore girls, and snuggles.  I do this partly because these are my favorite things and your favorite things develop from  your past and who you are.  It seems like this is pushing it, but I'll break it down.

Bagels:  My Dad loves bagels.  Some of my best memories of being a little girl involved bagels with my Dad at the breakfast table.  We still have them when he comes up to visit.  Anytime I see a bagel it makes me think of my Dad and makes me feel safe.  His favorite is cinnamon sugar - so is Emma's . . .

Diet Coke:  Most of my high school and college memories involve diet coke.  Whether it was late nights in a friend's attic talking about first loves over chicken stuff.  Late afternoons with chips with lime discussing the issues that shaped a lot of what I believe.  Or early morning studying and learning how to spend time by myself and be happy.

Gilmore Girls:  Most people don't know this, but this a show I watched with my Mom in highschool.  On tuesday nights in college I always called my Mom after gilmore girls.  It is something that we have shared, even when we were mad at each other.  Even when we weren't seeing eye to eye.

You can read it as over analyzing, but if you look at your comfort routines, I bet you find the same things . . .

Behold the Power of Girlfriends (serious, just this once)

I think the number one issue in my life right now as a military wife and mother, and who are we kidding, a wife and mother in general is finding balance between nurturing my own identity and nurturing my children’s identity. 

In the pre-marriage, pre-commitment, pre-kid phase our partners are typically initially attracted to us because of our interests, our talents, or zest for life.  We are passionate about similar issues.  We enjoy the same the same things.  We stay up all night talking and our sex life isn’t something that we have to work at.   Then at some point you find yourself at Target on a Saturday morning  in your husband’s sweats and on old fleece (because post baby your yoga pants aren’t as forgiving as they used to be) trying to remember if you brushed your teeth . . .  and you realize you are starting to lose yourself in your own life.  Take solace in the fact that, whether we admit it or not, we’ve all been there.

I feel it all the time, and for a long time was scared to say a word about.  My whole life I have been taught about the awesome responsibility, but also great privilege of motherhood.  You are told about the feeling when you first hold your baby and the connection you feel.  You are told about all of the wonderful milestones your children will accomplish and the sense of accomplishment you will both feel.  You aren’t told about the days and nights when you feel like you just can’t take it, in fact you feel weak for even thinking it, let alone discussing it.  You aren’t told about sacrificing a piece of you as a mother – it is an invisible battle scar that we all share. 

Behold the power of girlfriends.  I credit my girlfriends for keeping me sane – for forcing me to make time for me – for nurturing who I am.  In large ways and smaller ways, they support me as a mother, as a wife, and most importantly as a person.  They say it takes the village to raise the child – but it really takes the village to raise the mother.  There is no training course - we aren’t born knowing what to do.  We learn by trial and error and we learn through the relationships that we form with one another.

This is not to say that my husband does not support me.  He is my best friend, the peas to my carrots, my biggest supporter, and my number one fan and I am the same for him.  My world is a richer and better place because of him. 

There is just also something to be said about the power of girlfriends.

I have been a delinquent blogger . . .

So much to say, so little time.  I had great hopes for my blog.  Clearly everyone would notice and appreciate my wit and charm.  This would allow me to get followers.  The followers would allow me to post adds.  The adds would obviously attract Oprah who would promptly put me on her show.  I therefor could quite my job, and be E & O's full time wrangler.  Only one problem, in order to get this far, I actually need to take the time to write it.  

I could put every Mommy excuse in the book down here: E tried to put O in the dryer (true story), O tried to flush E's pants down the toilet causing the great flood of 2010(also true), our fish, tuna, made a valiant effort in the path of Nemo to get back to the ocean (also, freakishly true), but I am going to be straight up honest - the fall line up has started.  This is something we have been training for, for two straight weeks.  I have E & O convinced Glee is "their show".   We got dressed up in costumes and rock out to every single song.  I encourage all of you out there to share in the sweet sweet joy of network (provided it is appropriate) tv with your child.  

This might be a good time for a little self disclosure.  My children watch television.  They eat high fructose corn syrup.  The eat many foods that come in nugget form or on a stick.  Our fish, tuna (his beloved mate helper tragically died a year ago in november), is a genetically engineered glow in dark goldfish from petco that is apparently outlawed in some countries (I swear we didn't know when we bought it.)  Both of my children have either accidentally or on purpose partaken in the sweet nectar of the Gods that is diet coke.  I feel much better now that I have confessed.  I'm also pretty sure I have some organic strawberries in the fridge - couldn't hurt.  All this aside, I am a good Mom and I try really, really hard to be one. 

The point to the rambling.  Have you ever noticed how much mothers judge each other?  It is unbelievable.  And also (at the risk of sounding like a hipocrite) have you ever observed the mothers around you.  Today I was out with a girlfriend and her kids in our local library parking lot where the city had gathered all kinds of different trucks for the kids to climb in.  The streets were packed with children in their adorable fall outfits.  There was also a sea of northface down jackets, high heeled shoes, starbucks, and the dreaded blackberry.  I label the latter three the attention taker awayers.  I watched more kids fall or wander off because their parents were to busy sipping their no doubt organic soy nonfat decaff no whip latte and updating their twitter feed to notice their kid.  Even if they wanted to, their footwear would have proven  a hazard.  These were the same people who skipped ahead of all the other families in line, or were to busy to notice their child doing the same.  I left feeling pretty awesome about myself.  I got home and was watching E & O play.  They both play interrupt their play to check their fake cell phones.  E absolutely pretends she has a pager on (she has, on occasion, taken it off her hip and said, "you have got to be kidding me - these people".  I have to admit, I felt pretty horrible. What message am I sending to them about what is important.  But then later, I saw E comfort O when she fell / dove off the couch by singing a song my husband sings to both of them, kissing it, getting her a band aid and a popsicle, and getting her mr. bear (the most beloved and disgusting of all bears).  Moments like that make you realize you are a good parent.  We are all (with few exceptions) good parents.  You know who our biggest critic is?  Ourselves.  Instead of focusing on the bad in the world, in other parents, and in yourself - take a minute to watch the true goodness in your children or your nieces and nephews and remember - it came from you.  That being said, they learned to pour bath oil on the floor and turn it into a slip and slide while I am in the shower, from their father.